And it's about freakin' time, dammit!

By Mrs. Rutan's estimate, we got between 10 and 12 inches last night. Combined with high winds, we get our long overdue snow day.

Mom thinks Dad rarely raises his voice to me. I just explained to her that it's a lot different when she's not home. Maybe this will get me a pity-induced early release from my grounding?

Was bored last night, so I spent my time writing up a huge diary entry since I had lots of thoughts to get out that weren't coming when I was being distracted by IMs or parents. So here we go:

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Late Night Musings: 2/11/03, 10:15 pm

I have many talents.

Poetry isn't one of them, so I've discovered as I've tried to write several poems this evening, relating to MIFA< senior year, and romance.

So I think I'll go back to my preferred, tried and true method to get my feelings out: rambling.

To me, this is really the most honest way to get feelings across, since it's exactly what I think as I think it. No pausing to edit for rhythm or imagery. Just pure, unadulterated, Angela.

Stress of the moment: Rebecca.

I'm gonna put myself out on an emotional limb here: I like Rebecca. Didn't think I would when she first told me she liked me, but hanging out with her the past few weeks has made me think differently.

and I liked that feeling. I began musing about what I should do for Valentine's Day, if anything. I even found out her classes so I could send her one of those silly carnations.

But after her behavior on Friday and Saturday I'm beginning to question how I feel about the situation.

In a word, Rebecca is clingy. The girl seems to ahve no inhibitions. She's perfectly comfortable with wrapping a protective/possesive arm around my waist and just holding me, whether we're standing backstage, waiting for my entrance, or walking down the hallway, singing showtunes with Jake.

Me? I began to freak out when Nicole would put an arm around my waist when we were encouraging the rumor mill. It was fun in theory, but I guess in practice I'm just not that affectionate.

Or is it just that I haven't found the right person yet?

That's why I'm tempted to simply explain my feeling to Rebecca rather than break things off completely. After Saturday, I was seriously freaked and wanted to break it off. But by Monday, I found myself looking forward to seeing her again.

My biggest fear at the moment? That this is an omen of how all my relationships will be, and I'll end up being one of those women who stay in unfulfilling, or even abusive relationships because it's easier than leaving and being alone again.

Add this to the list of things I wasn't expecting to have to deal with when I came out. Aren't things like this supposed to be limited to women in straight relationships?

Thankfully, I don't have to decide anything immediately. We were back to simple handholding in school today, and doing things on VAlentine's Day is out of the question since we're both grounded, lol.

But people know that I was going to make a decision about what I wanted to do when MIFA was over.

And I just don't know.

'Cause, y'know, it's not just the physicality of the relationship that's a little fast for my tastes. She also drops little lines like "We should go to prom together," that make me swallow my tongue. Prom is three or four months away, and we've yet to go on an actual date. Am I the only one who thinks she's being a little hasty?

But it would be nice to have a date....

See what I mean?

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Tempted to go back and erase this whole entry now...I think this is a bit more than I've ever revealed in here before...but I needed to get those thoughts out. And like I said, the poetry thing was not working. Just...no.

And now it's noon on my first snow day of the year. The oven has been hijacked by my mom's cookie baking, so I can't make myself a nice warm lunch. I want to read, but I don't have any new books (none of the good BBYA books have been processed yet :-Þ). Maybe I'll go write, and get some good stuff posted on FFN? (the Just In page is a sad, sad place right now)

But first, I think I'll steal a cookie....

--Angela

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