Disclaimer: I wrote this around midnight this morning, almost immediately after finishing Janet Tashjian's Fault Line. I was hardly in a rational state of mind when I wrote it. I considered getting (another) new diary and posting it there where none of my friends could find it...but really, that's hardly better than diary-editing. So here's possibly one of the most emotional posts I've written. Continue reading if you dare.

Read Fault Line by Janet Tashjian tonight. Most emotional book I've read since Empress, and I can hardly figure out why.

I think because I saw so much of myself in Becky. I know we really seem nothing alike. I have no interest in stand up comedy, nor have I ever been in an abusive relationship. The only thing we have in common is we're both on the verge of going to college and are terrified to leave our friends (I know that if I were having to spend this summer away from everyone I knew, like Jake is, I'd have a nervous breakdown).

But I still saw a lot of myself in Becky. Somehow, all her issues with Kip brought everything about my relationship with Rebecca back.

And I know this is pathetic. She dumped me 3 1/2 months ago. Why do I think about her at all?

But in Fault Line, Becky got back together with Kip at the first opportunity. Did I almost do that after prom with Rebecca (and it took me this long to realize Becky=short for Rebecca). No, Rebecca never abused me in any way, shape or form. I felt a little smothered at times, but that was an over-affectionate thing, not a controlling thing (and while I realize that sounds like victim-rationalization, I'm sure all my friends will confirm this). But I know that getting back together with her probably wouldn't have been the healthiest thing.

My two biggest fears:

1)Forgetting the little things about my friends. I don't know if I'd distinctly remember what Jake looks like if it weren't for his Xanga picture. After three weeks of not calling her (in 5 years of friendship) I had to look up Britt's phone number today. What am i going to do when I have to go months at a time without seeing these people in college? What about after?

2)I am going to end up being one of those women who continually fall into unhealthy relationships. I doubt I'd ever stay with a physical abuser, but I'm not positive that I'd be able to get out of emotional abuse. Especially now: I'm watching all of my friends have practically perfect romances and I'm left on the sidelines.

In the morning I'll probably wonder why the hell this book touched me so much. It's been a very stressful day, this is just additng to it, after my micro-breakdown to Mom this afternoon at the Barn, and hearing the word 'fags' in Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey and then hearing my brother repeat it (in the context of wanting to know what it meant...). Dad didn't say anything, letting Dan say the words twice before I finally jumped in with "It's a disgusting word and you are never to say it. Ever." Fault Line was just the icing on the cake. And I'm pretty sure that even if I weren't in an emotional state, this book would have made an impression. I gave it 5Q, 5P on my BBYA card. I'm not sure I've rated a book like that since Empress.

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